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For affirming gay Christians, the cost often looks like bearing the rejection of family and friends, losing opportunities in ministry and church membership, and recognizing that their most meaningful relationship may go unrecognized by the people who matter most to them. For traditional gay Christians, the cost of following Jesus is singleness, the hard work of forging new kinds of community in a church that often overlooks their existence, and the often persistent misplaced shame over their sexual difference. This is something gay Christians discover, whether they hold a traditional sexual ethic or are affirming of same-sex relationships. Against the fairly common expectation in American evangelicalism that we can follow God without too much suffering, my life was shaped by the inevitable cost of discipleship. Jesus’ call to die to self connects with me in a special way as a gay man.Coming out publicly has been an expression of identifying with the marginalized, a way of releasing superiority and privilege. At the same time, I was forced to recognize the reality of injustice and to join my heart with the broken and overlooked. These texts connected with me as I wondered if I could ever be loved, reassuring me that God was keenly aware of me and out for my blessing. Being gay required me to keep my ear open to hear Scripture’s clear preference for the overlooked, marginalized, broken, and isolated. As a white, American, upper-middle class, educated young male, I enjoy unfair advantages right and left. In a lot of ways, I represent the most privileged group in the world. God’s heart for the marginalized and outcast became clear to me because of my sexual orientation.Because the ordinary language and rhythms of life didn’t work for me, I was forced to discover God authentically, for myself.
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I discovered quickly that I had to push beyond easy categories and find a God who lived with me in the confusing wilderness. From junior high on I was aware that I couldn’t simply follow the rules and meet my family or church’s expectations for a good Christian boy. Being gay encouraged me to pursue an intimate and rich relationship with God at a young age.I consider it a wise spiritual practice to count one’s blessings, so let me count the ways that I experience being gay as a gift: In fact, I am deeply grateful and consider it a rich blessing in my life that I am gay. Being gay meant I was in for a very difficult life-that was something I knew before I could articulate it to myself.Īll these years later, I’m amazed that these fears didn’t materialize. There were no positive gay figures to be seen, and I was afraid that I could never share this secret part of myself. Both in the evangelical church and among my school peers, being gay was considered bad, twisted, ugly. It was something I became aware of slowly, realizing somewhere during my middle school years that what I was feeling toward other guys was what people meant by “homosexual.” But I do remember being deeply afraid and ashamed. I don’t remember exactly when I realized I was gay.